Shambhu

is making coffee in her flatmate's spacious loft kitchen, who, she informs me, went to see his ex-boyfriend in Paris.

Patrick: So he finally discovered that the guy is the love of his life?

Shambhu: Yes. He is such a romantic ass. So funny. All of you gays are so romantic, much more than I thought.

Much more than yourself?

I am allergic to this romance thing. I am always really surprised that people can only see themselves through someone else. I am much too individualistic for that.

Are you catholic?

No. Why?

Because of your shirt.

Shambhu wears a t-shirt with a sexy naturalistic Jesus on the cross and three naked girls posing provocatively around it.

It's just a t-shirt of a band we toured with.

Maybe I thought of catholicism because of the name of your own band: Sin City Circus Ladies?

We're sinners, not catholics! But I spent one or two years in catholic school. The poor guys there. I drove them crazy. I was so mean with them.

Do you like to be mean with people?

 NO! (laughs) For sure not with all of them. Don't tell me I am a bloody bitch! Because I am not! (screams)  I am not a bitch!! I am nice! – At least I can be nice - sometimes...(laughs hysterically) . But, let's be frank: Most people deserve to be kicked.

Why?

I just hate some of the people that I have to deal with. I became harder here in Berlin. The first year, I was much softer. I mean I've always like - been hard. But it's the way people deal with each other, the society, the everyday life - it's so rude, it makes you want to be harder. (hands me a cup of coffee) I am not really good at making coffee, darling.

You don't drink coffee yourself?

No, I'll have a beer. And some of that cake.

Beer and cake is always a good combination.

Shambhu lifts the plastic wrap off a little french pie with fruit filling. Most of the fruit is stuck to the plastic wrap. She offers me the fruit covered wrap:

Lick it, baby. Lick it!

She tries some herself.

Oh, my God. It's so good.

It's from a little french bakery at the end of Görlitzer Straße

That's a hairdresser too, right? I know the place. Oh that's good. Because I have to get a haircut.

Yeah. You can eat pastry and have your hair cut at the same time.

Let's go over to my room. We can listen to music there.

We enter her room, that is filled with a sowing machine, dresses and lots of posters and other memorabilia from the fifties and sixties. Nina Simone is playing on the stereo. The general air is very retro.

How did you get into the rockabilly scene? Did you always like that kind of music?

I was more into punk. Punkrock, garage, the sixties... More violent. And I always listen to blues: Edda James, Ike and Tina Turner, Nina Simone. They are my favorites, all these black singers. I never thought I could sing like that. I just tried one day and I was surprised. I always knew I had a strong voice but I did not know it was that strong. (laughs) The Psychobilly scene in Berlin is the biggest in Europe and somehow I ended up there. But I am not only into that. I mean I look like a rockabilly-girl. I have the fashion, the tattoos, the bangs. I love the fashion from the fifties. Domina style, corsetts etc.

You really seem to go for that fifties nostalgia. I see that in your apartment, too.

That's inside of me. The twenties, thirties and fifties have always beeen my decades. The late sixties became too psychedelic, too funny. So I stopped at that.

Can you imagine living in the fifties?

I am living in my own fifties, the way I live in my own world. (burps and laughs hysterically) Yes, I am so stuck in the fifties. I watch a lot of films from that era...- What are you staring at? Jesus Christ or my boobs?

The tattoo in your cleavage. I wonder where it ends.

I will show you later.- What about your questions?

Did you come to Berlin for the music scene?

I frankly did not think I would stay in Berlin for four years. I did not plan it that way when I escaped from Paris. The music scene there was really really narrow minded. Here in Berlin they are much more open. About trannies, for example. I mean they don't know what I am but they appreciate what I am doing. In France they don't even try to listen to me because they judge me by my looks. Here it was much easier to find musicians that I can trust. In Paris people think I'm crazy. In Berlin too, actually. But not as much.

In Berlin people tend to look away, pretend they are not interested – even if you look completely outrageous.

People are not staring as much as in France for sure. They don't notice you. That's also not very nice (laughs). In London people just stop you on the street and say: I really like the way you're dressed. You look fabulous. That's another extreme. In Berlin it's just the opposite: People don't give a shit about you. That's why I became harder here. In the beginning, I was more open. But I came here for my music and my freedom – and that's what I got. So Berlin is Sin City for me in that respect. Except the sex. There is not much sex here. It does not smell like sex, like Paris. There it really smells like – dirty. Have you been to Paris? When I walk on the street there, I have just five guys following me. It's annoying! It's like: give me a break! I just want to go shopping and there are five guys touching their balls and going... (makes an obscene noise). And I go: Oh no I can't take this. But now, when I visit from Berlin, I appreciate a little attention: Oh thank God! I am attractive! - Here they can get their dicks sucked by a cheap polish whore for fifteen bucks. So for sure, they are not going to give a shit about me, who is actually much more expensive... Oh, but don't say that: I am not a whore. I am NOT a whore!

What type of man do you like?

Oh, I'm not too judgmental about that. I can sleep with like 99 percent of the people on this earth. It depends more on the situation. If it's funny. He should be gentle and funny.

Do you get a lot of offers working at Panorama Bar?

Only once. I was quite high and there was a cute guy, a short hairy Italian. He was really hitting on me, not very subtle, not gentle, but anyway I was high and so I thought let's go together. Let's have a line and a quick fuck in the toilet. The guy pulled out his dick and we started our business and then he was suddenly completely traumatized, like: "What? You're not a real woman?" And I went: "Do you think a real woman who is hot like me would come with you to the toilet? I mean come on. Gimme fifty bucks! Gimme fifty bucks! If you wanna treat me like a whore, give me money!" Anyway, I just got out of the toilet and screamed at everyone and that was it. Sometimes the guys who want to do it with a tranny can be so gloomy and disgusting. They think because you are a tranny they can do with you whatever they want. This makes me want to be very hard...and very...ball-cutter. - That was the only sex I had there. I think the people there are scared of me.

But you like to scare them, don't you?

It's an easy game. It's so easy to scare people. But in fact, they don't know, how sweet I really am.(laughs hysterically).

When I first saw you behind the bar, I thought you and the other girl were Cinderella's evil stepsisters.  I was a bit afraid to order my beer, because I was not sure, if you wouldn't splash it in my face. I was thrilled.

I think they keep employing me there for that reason. Because I am just a terrorist.

Did you adopt your tough attitude as a defence?

You know, darling, I really grew up in a shitty area in France. People think Paris is just fabulous, but in the place where I grew up, if you are not proud of what you are, you're fucking dead. I took a lot of shit from people all my life. People think I am a snob or proud or whatever, but if you had to take all the shit that I took, you have a right to be proud.

How do you define yourself? Would you say you are transsexual?

I would define myself as transgender. Sex and gender are completely different. But I am not like going to people and say "Hi, I am a transgender person". Like I don't want people to say to me: I am a bisexual or I am a muschi-licker or an assfucker - I am not interested in that.

How is it with Trinity? It's quite unusual to have two tranny singers in a rockabilly band...

Oh, she's not a tranny!

Then she does her best to look like one.

When people come to our concerts they usually know before that there is going to be one lady and one tranny. And the people try to figure out who is who. When they hear that strong voice they usually know it's me. But Trinity has a lot of humour. They often ask her if she's a tranny and she says: Ja, ich habe eine große Schwanz and I'm gonna fick deinen Arsch! But that's not like me. I usually just slap the guys. Last time I punched a guy and hurt myself. Here! (shows me a bruise on her hand) The first thing he asked me after the show was "Me and my girlfriend want to know if you are a boy or a girl!" And I was just like "Why? You have a girlfriend already. You want to make your sex life more exciting or what?" I was in a really bad mood and the only thing I could do was punch him in the face. And he just flies across the room and I say: Now you know! - I guess I should be more subtle sometimes. Like Trinity. But then, that makes me more interesting: I look like I am such a nice lady - but I am not! (giggles)

Most guys in the rockabilly scene are pretty straight...

There is nothing more gay than the rockabilly scene! Have you been there? The way the guys look? They are so picky with their style: their flat tops, their patches... There is something very gay in that. But they don't understand it obviously. - And they definitely have a problem with trannies - with women as well. The way punk rock started out, it was supposed to be freedom: get rid of your parents, get rid of everything you know! These guys are so into fashion, they collect music, go to live shows, but very often they don't get what my personality is about, what I try to make them understand: Do whatever you want: God is not watching what you're doing in bed, and your parents are not in your bed either! Sometimes it is so amazing to be on stage and see the guys reacting. They are so stiff at first and then they get crazy: they take off their shirts and touch themselves and try to give me tongue. One guy even tried to get under my skirt at our last concert. I really slapped him very bad, actually. Later I ended up in the forest with a guy I met backstage. After five or six or seven beers they start to be horny. Most of the guys I have sex with after concerts are drunk. Then they drop their attitude and their whole concept of what a woman is supposed to be like. But when they get sober again they think : 'Oh my God, what did I do ? I fucked with a tranny. I let her slip a finger up my ass and enjoyed it! It's no good! I want a girlfriend with a Betty Page haircut, one who just opens her legs and keeps her mouth shut.' - And then I get so dissapointed and I think where is the fucking revolution?

Even gays don't have that anymore. They look like stereotype muscle guys and get fisted or whatever - but they don't want something else. They are not very sexy. Something is missing there. But... we are on a good way. Sometimes I get nice surprises. Although the guys are usually drunk. I wonder what it would be like if they were sober.

I guess, that's the price I have to pay: I am never the girl friend, I am the other woman. Sometimes I would like to have a little more tenderness. Even if I look rough, why should I always take this anger and this abuse from people? So far I never got surprised by a guy who was understanding and loving and tender. I only ever meet bloody asshole perverts and they call ME pervert. That 's the funny thing. I am a pervert just because I am living the way that I should. And these guys, they go to porn cinemas and fuck a hairy ass and pretend it's a woman. But no: I am the pervert, not them. It is funny! Next question... Take a little line! You look tired.

No, really...

Come on, be sociable! I cut it. It's good. It's only 5 percent of crystal speed with some cut stuff....(laughs hsyterically) It's really not strong, believe me.

No, not for me today, thanks.

Just for the interview. - I felt so tired.

You lived in India for a long time, right?

I don't really know if I want to talk too much about that. It's really my private garden. But yes, I have a special connection with India. I lived there for four years. I had been a dancer for seven years, and I won a scholarship to study Indian classic dance and language. I lived by myself in a pretty bad area of Bombay. I became friends with an Indian guy wo did AIDS prevention there, a very amazing guy. At the time nobody was really interested in the prostitutes and how they were affected by the disease. This guy told them how to protect themselves. He was really amazed with me, as he had never met a french person with long black hair like me and he asked me to come down to the red light area of bombay and do a dance show for the prostitutes. And I was like: that sounds very good, I really want to do that! I became very close to them. I styled them. Because all these girls they don't really know what they are doing. Most of them were kidnapped from their families in Northern India and they get sold by an organisation to brothels in Bombay. I taught them about sanitary things and about AIDS prevention and condoms. I was also very close to the hijra...The hijra have their own place in Indian society as transgender people or the third sex. The hijras in a former time were to give good blessings for a wedding. They are castrated men. Because they don't develop any testosterone they grow breasts, and they don't have body hair and look very feminine. Most of the kids who join the hijra community escape from their families because they are gay. In India they think of the gay kids as useless because they cannot procreate and do not help the family in that way - so they just kick them out. You can't survive if you don't belong to a community. The hijra are a kind of religious sect. There are all kinds of beautiful stories and myths around that. So there always used to be a place for the transsexuals in Indian society but now, unfortunately, the only place for them is prostitution. Most of the hijra are prostitutes, even though they pray and are considered mystic beings. People are afraid of the hijras because they can bless but they can also curse. I had a lot of fun with the hijra. A lot of dancing and boozing.They are like the punk rockers of India. What is more punk rock than a transsexual?

The punks here are different...They fight against racism but they never have any Turkish friends, they fight homophobia but they never go to bed with a guy. What the fuck is punk about that? I came to this squat once and they had all these political paroles everwhere but the first thing I noticed was, there was no Turkish guys. So I could not get laid! If there's no Turkish, I cannot get laid!

So you are successful with Turkish men, then?

Yes, here it's the Turks, in France it was mostly Algerians. I had really hot boyfriends. Kind of scary guys, too. I once dated a boxer. He was so hot, my god. He was fighting in illegal boxing matches in a suburb of Paris. Without gloves. He was so sweet. I really loved the guy. My last catch in France.Very good guy...big dick, too! (laughs) Next!

When you look at yourself in the mirror naked and not made up, do you like what you see?

I have my good days and my bad days. Sometimes I feel like I am a fucking monster and sometimes I think I am fucking fabulous. And I want to go more in that way because I really like what I am and I'm not ashamed. It's more that people's behavior makes me feel very insecure sometimes. I did not do anything to my body to change it. I never took hormones, but I have boobs anyway. I am really transgender,  intersexual... It's confusing for a lot of people and the first person to be confused was me, when I grew up. But I love my body and I love to be a tranny. There's nothing better than that for me. And if reincarnation really works, I really want to be a tranny again. I only hope in the future people won't feel so negative about trannies. It's gonna take time, but I am sure.... Everything is so confusing now anyway.You have so many guys who like women but look like fags, and you have so many fags who look like supermen and they only like to get fucked. I love all this confusion. And I love myself. I think I am pretty egocentric. But it's not like: I am the best! But I like to take care of myself and look at me and say "Yeah, I'm gorgeous!". Why don't other people see that, too? (laughs).

Maybe people see in you a certain possibility of how they could be if they would accept all this confusion. But because they don't want to feel constantly confused about their gender and their desires they become insecure or even aggressive towards you. You have this aura of somebody who dissolves the lines. When I saw you dancing on the main floor in Berghain with all the gay muscle guys around you, I felt really grateful, because you took away the tension that goes along with this macho attitude.

And I can be so much more macho than them! (laughs) Sometimes I am really ladylike and sometimes I am such a fucking rude guy and I swear like hell. Women envy me because of that, that I have the balls to say fuck off to a guy. I have a lot of girl friends. Around them I can be very girly. We don't talk about shopping and make-up, I do that with the gays, but we talk about guys and parties. And straight guys, when they are with me, they feel they can act as if they were with a mate and say whatever they want and enjoy that. Talking about pussy and football. But that gets too much for me soon and I tell them to stop.

A lot of trannies try to project this image of living a gorgeous jet set life in a happytrannypinkbubbleworld. With you that's different.

I think every tranny has her own protection. I do respect that, too. And if you want to protect yourself with Christian Dior dresses and Louis Vuitton bags that's not my thing, but go ahead, darling!

You protect yourself with tattoos. Are they all over your back as well?

All over my back. And over my ass. You can have a better look if you want. It all depends on you...

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